a turning point?

i encourage myself to share this with you all. it's not a good story.. in fact it's probably quite embarrassing. >.< 

i've shared this story to someone who is very dear to me.. which has been supportive and encouraging me all the way. "bunch of thanks cant eva describe how grateful i am to have you around, bro.. =)"

there were days when i din know what to believe.. whom i shud trust to.. i doubted and almost lost my faith. it was a ‘dark time’ for me. and one day.. when i’ve made up my mind, something happened and it really crushed me down.  felt like i was betraying myself, violating my own commitment. i was really exhausted.. tired.. physically and mentally.. i cried til i fell asleep. when i woke up from my sleep.. i kept on thinking and cried.. then i talked to “WHOEVA GOD is” to give me a sign.

why i said “TALKED” to “WHOEVA GOD IS”.. well.. cause i dunno if i still remember how to pray. i often talked to myself.. monologue.. which actually might be intended to GOD. which god? i dunno.. i dont have the courage to say if i still have faith in Christ.. still believe in Jesus anymore. am not saying that Christ is not True.. it’s just me.. not bout HIM. so, there i was.. me talking to ‘whoeva GOD is’.

talking bout praying.. i used to pray in hours and din feel i’ve been praying for hours. and it was just talking.. not include singing and worshiping. now, i prefer the monologue way. 

have you ever felt.. when you talked to yourself and then someone’s answering? they say it’s our conscience. *or you may say it’s “Holy Spirit”. :)* am reading a book.. ‘conversation with GOD’. it says, ‘sometimes we often ask questions to GOD and before we even realize, we’ve been given the answers.’ dont expect the answers will come like when God spoke to Moses at the burning bush.. or there will be a ‘bright magical figure’ in a white robe appeared and talked to us. nope! not at all! the answers can be given in any kind of forms. thru your reading, chatting, A SONG.. or even when we do monologue with ourselves. 

before.. i asked ‘WHOEVA GOD is’ to give me a sign. i did the monologue.. asking questions and demanding for answers. and it’s given in a song. i was just browsing around when i found it. neva heard of this song before, in fact.. neva knew it before. i saw the video, listened to the lyric.. and then i really felt like i wanted to get down on my knees. :(

weeks ago, i went to church.. i could say nothing but, ‘please.. GOD.. whoever You Are.. if You really want this.. just show me.. tell me what i should do. for i dunno what to do or what i want or even what to believe anymore.’ said it over and over again.. but, ya gitu deeeeh… *ziiiiiing* surely there’s no ‘magical answers’ appeared that time. xP

well.. i’m longing to share this song with you.. this song is probably ‘the sign’ i’ve been asking for. it’s probably a sign for you, too. (>o,)

i cant say that this is a turning point for me. but at least, i'm starting all over again and ready to begin. and am grateful for that..

"semoga semuanya bergerak ke arah yang lebih baik"