Day Seventeen

17.1.11

dapet berita yg cukup ngagetin hari ni. one of my neighbor hung himself to death. :(

*huff..

pas denger brita itu, perasaan campur aduk. antara malu n empati. jadi mikir.. by the time am complaining, sebenerny masi ada orang yg idupnya ga lebih mudah than my life. and sum of 'em may take 'shortcut' like what my neighbor did yesterday. >.<

am grateful.. all this time.. no matter how desperate i was, no matter how many times i felt useless and told myself that its no use to live anymore.. neva crossed my mind to take the shortcut. guess, i've been taught well bout that. @.@

"thank You, Father.. for the life you've given me.

teach me to appreciate it, n live the life to the fullest."

walk by faith

hm.. blakangan ni kalimat di atas 'terngiang2' trus di kepala. n hari ni makin 'kenceng' aja tu kalimat muter2 di kepala ampe resep di ati. hari ni ngalamin yg namanya 'walk by faith'.. tersurat dan tersirat. xD

first.. i used to go to sunday service at noon time, rada males kalo ikut yg sore. but today, karna ada urusan, ga bisa ikut ibadah yg siang. then, tadi sore when i was going to attend the sunday service, ujan gedeeeeeee banget. perasaan uda ga enak banget, sole dr siang mo pegi ga jadi. sore masa ga jadi jg. ga ibadah duuunk.. >.< *dunno why, skrg ni klo ga ibadah, kekny ada 'feeling guilty inside'. eventhough ibadahny itu cuma 'yg penting duduk di gereja', but somehow it's relieving.* i then asked GOD, 'please stop the rain.. at least for 30 minutes on my way there. beneran mo ke gereja nih.. if You really want me to go, then please stop the rain.' itu kondisiny ujan masi gede bener. *ude ga mo ngarep bs brenti dalam wkt 10 menit deh.. >.< in 10 minutes, ujanny reda.. lum brenti, tp jauh lebih kecil turunnya. ni masi rada 'males' kuar, sole da sminggu sakit pala n lg rada ga enak badan, baru bis keujanan jg, klo dihantem nekad ujan2an lagi, bs tepar. n that's the last thing i need for at least a month ahead. tp dgn 'PD'-ny, i prepared myself, trus telpon ojek buat anter pergi. *again.. masi ujan rintik2 mayan rapet kondisinya* dalam ati rada 'ngeluh', duh.. basah lagi deh.. bakalan kedinginan lagi di gereja. @.< but you know what? by the time i opened my gate, ujanny brenti aja dink! \(^o^)/ and aaaaaaaallllll the way to church.. asli kering bener. ga telat pula sayaaaa.. *biasa telat. hihihihi.. xp

second.. there's always a reason for everything.. 

i din go to sunday service last week. ada feeling guilty jg, tp hr ni dunno why ada dorongan yg bgitu kuat buat 'kudu harus pegi'.. eventhough lagi ujan badai. well.. got the answer in the service. (>o,) 

to be honest, lately bener2 lagi bergumul ama idup.. masalah kerja, sosial, komitmen, bla.. bla.. bla.. n i had many questions in my head. questions and struggles yg sebenerny dari dulu bolak-balik 'attacking' me. :( and today.. got another encouragement to move on n live to the fullest. today's preach lebi mirip sesi 'konsultasi pribadi' scara yg diomongin itu asli nembak tepat ke sasaran. *youknowwhatimean* xD and the magic words came out again! "walks by faith.. and lives by faith". phew.. what a day! (>,)

eniweiiii.. am grateful for today. it's true! we can neva understand GOD's mysterious plan for us.  
Neva question bout the plan, just walk by faith! (^o^)

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, 

“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11 - GOD's Word Translation

a meaningful life

"would you like a life of happiness or a life of meaning?"

...

i posted this on my fb status update two days before my birthday. The night after, got a nightmare.. um.. AM DEAD. >.<  so, i then woke up on my birthday.. thinking 'what if today is my last day to live?' 

am not gonna share bout my nightmare here.. but, about a friend of mine.. who inspired my thinking bout life and living. well.. let's begin.. 

fellows.. meet RISCA GUSTIN

Risca Gustin

know her since five years ago. she was one of my Pagar Ayu team member. it's been a long time since the last time we met until our last meeting. neva thought that it would be last literally. :( yeap.. in her very young age, she's passed away. though we seldom met, but what she did and who she was leave a deep impression for me.. specially in the last moments of her life.   

a few months ago, i got bad news.. a friend of mine was in hospital and she's been there for a month. i was surprised to hear the news, yet.. we're not too sure that it's her cos we din hear the  news from her or family directly. so, we tried to find out and yes.. it's really her! :( Risca kena leukimia and she just found out bout this last november. dia da bolak-balik rumah sakit, rawat jalan sampe rawat inap slama sebulan. the last time i met her, she just got out for a week and then back there again to be hospitalized for another month.   

weeks later, i visited her in hospital with my friends. it's almost late when we got there.. around 8.30 pm. i called her in the afternoon, told her that we're coming and she's so excited. she said, she really missed us and  she'd be happy if we could come. sempet nyasar sana-sini buat ke kamarnya.. tapi akirnya ketemu juga. what really surprised me was.. karena nyasar, we called her to find where she was.. and asked if it's too late to see her. but she said no, she'd be pleased to see us. when we found her room.. we tried to look for her.. cari punya cari.. koq ga ada yah? tau2 ada yg manggil kita and.. there she was..  IN FRONT OF US! her bed was the first bed from the door, and we din recognized her that time. :( 

if you see her picture here.. she had long thick black hair.. pas kita ketemu.. she lost most of her hair, she's wearing a mask to cover her mouth and nose. she looked so pale.. yet it couldnt cover her happiness to see us. we had a simple chit-chat with her. she asked bout our team members, she told us bout her illness.. tapi ga sedikitpun she showed her pain and suffer.  

i told her that one of our friends will get married this september and we'd like to have team reunion that day. said that we're hoping that she'd get well soon and would be there with us. she's so excited bout the plan.. 'iya, ci.. doain aja yah.. Risca juga pengen dateng, mo ketemu smuanya. uda kangen.. da lama ga ketemu..', that's what she said. di telpon dia juga ada cerita sedikit soal sakitnya, ga kedengeran seperti ngeluh. Tapi lebih kedengeran pasrah.. 'BERSERAH' tepatnya! di saat sakitnya, dari kata-katanya.. tindakannya.. showed her faith in GOD. pas kita ketemu, sbelum kita pulang, she said this, "ci.. di sini tiap hari adaaaa aja yang 'lewat'. Risca takut deh." :( itu satu-satunya saat she showed her fear. but i told her not to worry, she'll be fine. and she said yes, God will give the best for her. i could say nothing that time.. merasa ga 'kompeten' buat ngomong hal2 yg berhubungan ma Tuhan saat itu.  

ga sampe sbulan, we got another news.. she's gone. i cried when i heard that.. shocked, rasanya ga mo percaya. she looked fine when we're there.. bisa bercanda n ngeledek kita pula. she din show any pain.. she looked very optimistic. hard to believe that she's gone. :(   

sharian itu i thought bout her.. thought bout my life and how i live all this time. i sent a message to my bro, 'hari ni dapet brita.. temenku meninggal. life is so unfair.. dia punya semangat idup tinggi, tp harus pergi secepet ini. and me.. yg ga jelas what i want in my life... ga tau apa tujuan idup ini.. malah stuck harus tinggal lebi lama.' and he replied, 'mungkin masi fair. brarti ci masi dkasi ksmpatan utk tau tujuan hidup ci. y kan?' pheeeeeeewww... kek dilelepin di laut rasanyaaa.. @.@ 

 

risca.. setlah kepergiannya.. masi bisa ngasih pelajaran berharga. when i was thinking bout life and living.. she taught me bout the meaning. her faith and her spirit.. encourage me to move forward, take a step.. little by little.. to have a meaningful life. kita jarang ketemu, jarang ngobrol juga.. but our last conversation has given me more than just a simple chit-chat. am so grateful.. di masa singkat pertemenan kita, she's given me more than it should be.. she made me realize a true meaning of life. 

a note written by my sis mungkin bisa 'gambarin' tentang seorang RISCA. 

"ai cii.."
senyum sumringah didepan pintuku..
"ng papa cii.."
saat kamu hampir ajah pingsan krn ac hotel pas dibelakangmu
"baik cii..."
kmu dateng disaat jalanan banjir
"maappp yah cii.."
senyummu tak pernah lepas walau peluh dan letih krn abis lembur kerja
"cicii aku ng bisa ikut tp pengen ngumpul sama temen2..gimana yah cii.."
kalo ...ng bisa ikut bareng kita tugas pasti de kamu ngomong gt yah
"nih cii lagi mau ke dokter.."
wkt aku bertanya risca kamu sakit?
"wah ciciii mau ikutan pasti saya dtg.."
wkt aku kabari ttg rencana reunian kita di september
duh Risca banyak kenangan darimu
terutama senyummu dan semangatmu setiap menjawab pertanyaanku
salut dan bangga denganmu Risca
saat Irma tadi cerita di tegal alur mengenai detik2 terakhir kamu ..
seperti tertidur dan tetep tersenyum..
selamat jalan adikku sayang
waktumu tlah usai didunia ini
dunia baru menyambutmu disana Risca
cici yang selalu inget dan sayang dgnmu....

-sil-

"farewell my dear friend.. and thank you."